depression

sobs

they wrack my body

i close my eyes -

i don’t want to feel

i don’t want to feel this

i don’t want to feel anything

i want it all to stop

i want to be nothing

i want to run away

to a place

a place...

a place where

no one knows my name

a place where

no one knows who i am

what i’ve done

who i’ve been

i want to run

run far, far away

where i can live a life

a life dreamed up in fantasy

a life where everything

turns out just right

i want to run

but i can’t

i’m scared

too scared

who am i kidding?

run?

i can’t run

but i want to run

i want to get away

i want to escape this

all of this

this feeling

this fear

this loathing

this hate

this hate of myself

of me

of everything that i am

i want to be

someone else

i want to be

anyone else

their lives?

perfect

they say they’re not

but compared to mine?

perfect

their problems
they seem like
my high points
the things
that take my mind off
everything that is me

my reality is this -

everything i touch

withers like a flower in winter

every word i say

bites like the cold

says the wrong thing

comes out the wrong way

every single day

i know that they can’t stand me

i know they’d rather

have anyone but me

that they wish

i were someone else

and that?

that’s why i want to run

forgiveness

i don’t know that word

it terrifies me

and yet brings a tear to my eye

they forgive me,

or so they say

but it’s not just them

God forgives me,

and i know He does

but it’s not just Him

it’s...it’s

me

i can’t forgive myself

who could?

i’ve done so, so many horrible things

i can’t be forgiven

how can i live a normal life?

how could people love me,

this person who all the sins?

how could they love me,

knowing what i’ve done?

who i’ve been?

what i’ve thought?

what i’ve said?

i don’t feel like

i can live with myself

but if i run?

i could forget

everything

i could forget

what i’ve done

who i’ve been

what i’ve thought

what i’ve said

but i have to

run

“There is now

no condemnation

for those

who are in

Christ Jesus

our Lord.”(a)

that voice

that kindness

that warmth

that love

it’s not mine

i can’t take it

i can’t hold it

i can’t feel it

i do have condemnation

i condem myself

i can’t forgive myself

who could?

i’m unlovable

i’m unwanted

i’m unimportant

“There is now

no condemnation

for those

who are in

Christ Jesus

our Lord.”(a)

could it be true?

or is it lies?

could i just

give it all away?

give it all to Him?

no longer

have this hold on myself?

let go out of the rope

that has strangled me?

let go of the sword

that has tortured me?

let go out of the arrows

that have pierced me?

can i do that?

is it true?

is it possible

that even through all of this

He still loves me?

that He still cares?

that He says,

“I will be a Father to you,

and you will be

my sons and daughters”(b)?

can it be?

i still have problems

and sometimes?

i still hate myself

but...

i have begun to heal

i have begun to forgive

i have begun to understand

that even though

i have

all of this sin?

as a Christian

God still loves me,

and He will always love me

and if i continue to walk in His ways

He will take me to a place

where there is no more

pain and suffering

to the place where He dwells

and sits on High

and i do not have to run

because i no longer

have anything

to run from

because i?

i am forgiven

//

not seemingly that long ago, i dealt a lot with depression, because i felt like i could never forgive myself for the things that i had done. and i wanted to run - not in reality, but just to somehow get away from myself and everything that i have done. and i couldn’t help but think, “how could anyone love this piece of worthless trash? i am nothing.” but God loves me no matter what i’ve done and i’ve had to repent from. and He says that there is no longer any condemnation for me, that i am forgiven. and He says that He loves me. and He says that He loves you.

He loves you.

- anna -

(a)Romans 8:1, (b)2 Corinthians 6:18b

spring

i close my eyes

and breath in deep

there it is

it’s here again

spring

it’s listening

to disney songs

and stargazing

and reading outside

it’s here again

spring

it’s green grass

and blooming flowers

birds flying and

twittering and playing

out their beautiful song

it’s here again

spring

it’s running through the forest

a leather satchel at our side

it’s a million stories

running wild in our minds

it’d here again

spring

it’s summer’s older sister

winter’s best friend

it’s fall’s distant cousin

we wish it’d never end

it’s here again

spring

it’s that warm sun

those windy days

a darkened sky

a day of rain

it’s here again

spring

it’s as wonderful as Middle-earth

more mystical than Narnia

it’s more beautiful than a Shire

its voice is louder than a lion

it’s here again

spring

it’s a magical time

a real time

a time in between

it’s here again

spring

it’s a time of

beautiful nature

crafted by the Designer

it’s a time of bright stars

and bright skies

it’s here again

spring

welcome.

at the top of a tower \\ He’s always there.

breath caught

heart beating

hands trembling

and that one thought

i can’t move

if i move,

i die

frozen

feet planted

sides

so

very

far

away

i’m not going

to make it out of this

“are you

alright?”

the voice

it’s next to me

i chuckle

nervously

“yes

yes,

i’m fine”

“you sure?”

no

no i’m not

“i...

i need to get

down from here”

“alright”

they nod

“don’t worry -

it’ll be fine.

you want me

to go first?”

i smile

then i nod

“yes -

yes,

thank you”

“don’t fear”

they say

“pray”

sometimes

it’s hard to

trust

but that’s

just it -

we can’t

trust on our own

we’ve got to ask

God

for help

ask God for help. // He’s always there.

a poem for fall

i stick my head out the window

and close my eyes

and take a deep breath

the wind blows through the trees

blowing through the autumn leaves

and whipping my hair

off my face

the leaves rustle high above

coloring the sky

red and orange and yellow

against the brilliant blue

like a sea high above

covered in boats of leaves

there’s a pumpkin pie on the windowsill

below, the scent wafting out

i run down the stairs

and grab my hat

and wrap on my scarf

and snatch my coat

and hurry outside

the door banging behind me

my leather boots bang on the ground

 the leaves scuttle beneath my feet

i rush down the road

my eyes searching ahead

and then i see it

and i smile

i rush forward

and push the swing

the old tire flying high

i laugh and jump on

as it swings down

and fly towards the sky

i feel like if i let go

and pushed off

my hands spread out far

that i could fly

up into the sky

towards a distant star

the tire swings down again

and i remember that i won’t fly

but i don’t care

i’m happy just as i am

i jump off the swing

and hurry down the road

just a little farther down

i glance at the sun

and i realize it’s almost time

maybe i shouldn’t

have dallied so long

but surely - i’ll make it on time

i rush back down the lane

and through the gate

and throw open the door with a smile

my family’s before me -

my father, mother, brothers,

sisters, cousins, aunts, and uncles

grandfathers and grandmothers

and everyone else in between

my mother winks and beckons

and we head into the dining room

 the long table

it’s there, spread out before me

only coming out -

only on one day

 a special

one of my favorite days

we all gather around

the food’s on the table

i glance around -

so many happy, loved faces

i love today -

and every other day

thank you God,

for all of these happy days

i’m thankful for this day

and every day

it’s Thanksgiving.

\\

i love Thanksgiving - i can’t wait until it comes around again this year. fall is here upon us, and it brings me joy. drink your warm coffee and tea, wrap on your scarves, run through the forests on an adventure, and have a lovely, God-blessed fall. - Anna

look to God

i stood there

a cold wind on my face

a tear on my cheek

gone from that place

it was a long time ago

like a land far away

when i left this place

i remember that day

there are so many memories

a laugh, a smile

they cloud my vision

but in awhile

i see that that’s all gone now

the house is dark

the house is cold

against the white sky stark

i remember running and playing

laughing through the leaves

i remember running over the hills

and climbing the trees

i remember climbing to the roof

sliding down on the snow

i remember the dandelions

the ones i used to blow

there were so many happy memories

that i wish i could go back

sitting on the grass all day

eating apples out of a sack

i wish that this place was like it was

the way i remember

the way that i’d left it

that long ago December

but i can’t go back

though memories stay

so instead, i’ll look ahead

to a better, brighter day

because staying in the past?

that’s something that doesn’t work

we don’t appreciate what we have

this present life we shirk

we can’t ever go back

but we have something up ahead

there’s Someone bigger then us

down this life i’ve led

someone guiding us, the Bright Ones,

as we journey through this life

Someone who’s carried us

through darkness and strife

don’t stay in the past

but look to tomorrow

find the joy in Christ

give Him your sorrow

trust in Him for His Great Plan,

let Him be your Rock,

though you be tripped and trampled

and shamed and mocked

this house is just a house

this land is just a piece of earth

that smile and that laughter

were that moment’s mirth

things can’t ever be the same

but that doesn’t mean they won’t ever be great

we can’t change things in the past

but we can change now, before it’s too late

this will all rot away

but God will stand forever

doing His will is the only thing

that is the Worthy Endeavor

so take your eyes off the past

and put them on God

the Maker of the World

this round sphere of sod

look to God in trial

look to God in pain

God is here for you

His peace you will gain

so don’t look to the past

where you can’t change things and can’t go

but look to the One who makes the stars shine

to the One who makes the dandelions blow.

//

look to God, the Maker of the World.

brave

mine + please don’t pin

i get afraid. a lot. i’m afraid of new things. afraid of changes. afraid of things i don’t understand and don’t know. things that i’ve heard of. things. and then i was given something that is really quite amazing.

“To be brave, you must first be afraid.” - Anonymous

let’s just let this sink in for a moment. “to be brave, you must first be afraid.” wow. this is like... life-changing for me. mostly, i always feel afraid. and it’s through that, that i can be brave? that practically blows my mind. brave people seem so... confident. unafraid. fearing nothing. could they actually have a fear, too? could they just push it away, and take a step out into the darkness?

when i heard this, i realized just how true this is. we can be the most afraid we have ever been in our life, but if we take that first trusting step, reach out and grab God’s hand, even though we’re afraid, we’re showing bravery. brave people don’t always feel brave. most likely, they never feel brave. but they trusted God, and took a step of faith out into the darkness where they couldn’t see. God be might be asking us to go somewhere that looks like, to us, like stepping off a cliff. the other side is shrouded in mist, and we feel fear - what’s on the other side? what if we fall? what if we die? it takes bravery to step out.

we might be scared beyond belief, but sometimes you just have to push that side and take the plunge. we don’t know what’s on the other side, but God does. some of you may be familiar with this verse, but i’d really love to share it with you:

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” - Isaiah 41:10-11

we don’t have to fear, because God is with us. He is our solid rock on Whom we stand. though everything else falls away, He will still be there.

“He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.” - Psalm 91:4

sometimes it feels like if you’re afraid and you step out, you’re going to fall. but God will always be there to pick you up again. don’t be afraid to be brave. don’t be afraid to be bold.

“When I called, you answered me; you made me bold and stouthearted.” - Psalm 138:3

when you feel like you’re going to fall, step out, call out to God to catch you, to make you bold, to make you brave. so today i urge you - be brave.

when the weight drops off

my photo + please don’t pin

have you ever

just felt

overwhelmed

and then stepped

outside

and felt the wind

and suddenly

the weight

it’s flying

flying away

and you just

feel

free?

God lets us soar on wings like eagles.

feeling free,

anna