depression

sobs

they wrack my body

i close my eyes -

i don’t want to feel

i don’t want to feel this

i don’t want to feel anything

i want it all to stop

i want to be nothing

i want to run away

to a place

a place...

a place where

no one knows my name

a place where

no one knows who i am

what i’ve done

who i’ve been

i want to run

run far, far away

where i can live a life

a life dreamed up in fantasy

a life where everything

turns out just right

i want to run

but i can’t

i’m scared

too scared

who am i kidding?

run?

i can’t run

but i want to run

i want to get away

i want to escape this

all of this

this feeling

this fear

this loathing

this hate

this hate of myself

of me

of everything that i am

i want to be

someone else

i want to be

anyone else

their lives?

perfect

they say they’re not

but compared to mine?

perfect

their problems
they seem like
my high points
the things
that take my mind off
everything that is me

my reality is this -

everything i touch

withers like a flower in winter

every word i say

bites like the cold

says the wrong thing

comes out the wrong way

every single day

i know that they can’t stand me

i know they’d rather

have anyone but me

that they wish

i were someone else

and that?

that’s why i want to run

forgiveness

i don’t know that word

it terrifies me

and yet brings a tear to my eye

they forgive me,

or so they say

but it’s not just them

God forgives me,

and i know He does

but it’s not just Him

it’s...it’s

me

i can’t forgive myself

who could?

i’ve done so, so many horrible things

i can’t be forgiven

how can i live a normal life?

how could people love me,

this person who all the sins?

how could they love me,

knowing what i’ve done?

who i’ve been?

what i’ve thought?

what i’ve said?

i don’t feel like

i can live with myself

but if i run?

i could forget

everything

i could forget

what i’ve done

who i’ve been

what i’ve thought

what i’ve said

but i have to

run

“There is now

no condemnation

for those

who are in

Christ Jesus

our Lord.”(a)

that voice

that kindness

that warmth

that love

it’s not mine

i can’t take it

i can’t hold it

i can’t feel it

i do have condemnation

i condem myself

i can’t forgive myself

who could?

i’m unlovable

i’m unwanted

i’m unimportant

“There is now

no condemnation

for those

who are in

Christ Jesus

our Lord.”(a)

could it be true?

or is it lies?

could i just

give it all away?

give it all to Him?

no longer

have this hold on myself?

let go out of the rope

that has strangled me?

let go of the sword

that has tortured me?

let go out of the arrows

that have pierced me?

can i do that?

is it true?

is it possible

that even through all of this

He still loves me?

that He still cares?

that He says,

“I will be a Father to you,

and you will be

my sons and daughters”(b)?

can it be?

i still have problems

and sometimes?

i still hate myself

but...

i have begun to heal

i have begun to forgive

i have begun to understand

that even though

i have

all of this sin?

as a Christian

God still loves me,

and He will always love me

and if i continue to walk in His ways

He will take me to a place

where there is no more

pain and suffering

to the place where He dwells

and sits on High

and i do not have to run

because i no longer

have anything

to run from

because i?

i am forgiven

//

not seemingly that long ago, i dealt a lot with depression, because i felt like i could never forgive myself for the things that i had done. and i wanted to run - not in reality, but just to somehow get away from myself and everything that i have done. and i couldn’t help but think, “how could anyone love this piece of worthless trash? i am nothing.” but God loves me no matter what i’ve done and i’ve had to repent from. and He says that there is no longer any condemnation for me, that i am forgiven. and He says that He loves me. and He says that He loves you.

He loves you.

- anna -

(a)Romans 8:1, (b)2 Corinthians 6:18b

brave

mine + please don’t pin

i get afraid. a lot. i’m afraid of new things. afraid of changes. afraid of things i don’t understand and don’t know. things that i’ve heard of. things. and then i was given something that is really quite amazing.

“To be brave, you must first be afraid.” - Anonymous

let’s just let this sink in for a moment. “to be brave, you must first be afraid.” wow. this is like... life-changing for me. mostly, i always feel afraid. and it’s through that, that i can be brave? that practically blows my mind. brave people seem so... confident. unafraid. fearing nothing. could they actually have a fear, too? could they just push it away, and take a step out into the darkness?

when i heard this, i realized just how true this is. we can be the most afraid we have ever been in our life, but if we take that first trusting step, reach out and grab God’s hand, even though we’re afraid, we’re showing bravery. brave people don’t always feel brave. most likely, they never feel brave. but they trusted God, and took a step of faith out into the darkness where they couldn’t see. God be might be asking us to go somewhere that looks like, to us, like stepping off a cliff. the other side is shrouded in mist, and we feel fear - what’s on the other side? what if we fall? what if we die? it takes bravery to step out.

we might be scared beyond belief, but sometimes you just have to push that side and take the plunge. we don’t know what’s on the other side, but God does. some of you may be familiar with this verse, but i’d really love to share it with you:

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” - Isaiah 41:10-11

we don’t have to fear, because God is with us. He is our solid rock on Whom we stand. though everything else falls away, He will still be there.

“He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.” - Psalm 91:4

sometimes it feels like if you’re afraid and you step out, you’re going to fall. but God will always be there to pick you up again. don’t be afraid to be brave. don’t be afraid to be bold.

“When I called, you answered me; you made me bold and stouthearted.” - Psalm 138:3

when you feel like you’re going to fall, step out, call out to God to catch you, to make you bold, to make you brave. so today i urge you - be brave.

when the weight drops off

my photo + please don’t pin

have you ever

just felt

overwhelmed

and then stepped

outside

and felt the wind

and suddenly

the weight

it’s flying

flying away

and you just

feel

free?

God lets us soar on wings like eagles.

feeling free,

anna 

fly

have you ever felt

the wind

tugging and pulling

and felt

that if you jumped

up towards the sky

you could just

fly?

life comes pouring out

via

i remember when i used to post every day - sometimes more then once a day. blogging was new and exciting and something that i was just so happy about. and then sometimes life comes in, and you can’t do that as much. and i couldn’t. and i got busy, and then when i did get on the computer i was doing other things, like designing and answering emails and everything. and then, suddenly, i haven’t posted for several days. maybe a week. and then i finally get the time to just sit down and write something. and my whole life comes pouring out as i write what’s been going on, what i’ve been thinking about, things like that. it just comes like a tidal wave, and suddenly the post’s a lot longer then intended. and i suddenly realize something.

i’ve missed blogging. i’ve missed writing down things. things that just normally get stored in my brain and unshared. and suddenly i can write them out, and they’re staring back at me. and suddenly i almost feel like a weight’s lifted off my chest, because i finally got all of those thoughts out.

that’s one of the beauties and joys of blogging. we can write everything and anything we want to, and the thoughts are uniquely ares. they aren’t that person’s who has a million followers. they aren’t the person’s down the road. they aren’t anything by your thoughts, and that’s what makes them unique. because God has created each and every one of us differently, so beautiful and complexly. your thoughts are worthwhile and amazing, and sometimes that seems to get forgotten.

sometimes you just have the urge to write it, just to say it. and then suddenly, you look up, and there’s a blog post written.

the sun’s rising,
anna

goodbye, autumn

via

“Autumn, the year’s last, loveliest smile.” - William Cullen Bryant

the year’s winding down, and as it does, i realize that now autumn is almost over; in my heart, it already is, for snow is on the ground. and yet the world says it does not end until december 21. for me, it rather ended at the beginning of december. autumn; the year’s last, loveliest smile. comes quickly, and now gone.

like a shadow

like a wraith

here one moment

gone the next

one little smile

one little wink

then flying off

into the sky

autumn

goodbye, autumn

have you ever wondered?

have you ever been in a car and stopped at a red light in a city, where cars are on both of your sides? have you ever looked through your window and seen the people in their cars, and wondered what was going on in their life? where they were going? who they were? what they did? what their dreams and their hopes for the future were? have you ever looked at someone and wondered, what's it like to be them? have you ever thought that maybe somebody wanted to be you, but you think that your life's sometimes just a mess and you can't imagine why anybody would ever want to be you? have you ever stopped and wondered what other people are going through right now? have you ever thought that maybe that smile and nod and laugh is really hiding something that's eating them up inside? have you ever wondered?

a little clean up

via

have you ever felt like everything was just too... cluttered? that's what i was feeling like with this blog. like it was cluttered. and closed. i like simple and open. i think it more reflects what i write, what i've written, and what i want to and am going to write in the future. you know what i mean? i felt like too much was reflected on how the blog looked instead of what this blog said. i think all blogs should reflect what you want to say and everything, but sometimes a design can distract, in my personal opinion, from what it's all about.

anyway, so that's a little explanation about why i changed the design so soon. i needed less clutter. i needed more open. i might change it again. who knows? i can be rather crazy. but for now, this is good. i can do this. this is what i want. simple. open.

feel your heart open

close your eyes

lift your face

to the sun

feel everything

fly away

on the wings

of the breeze

that blows

through the trees

and let your hair

fly away from your face

and your worries be

carried far away

until everything

is gone

and there is only

peace

and

freedom

|| peace and freedom. everything's clean. everything's gone. you're free. let your spirit soar in God's peace.

november

snow flakes falling.

cold winter air.

red noses and hands.

breath looking like a dragon's.

warm, thick socks.

warming hands on cocoa.

november.

my winter's about to start.

take a deep breath and smile,

anna

it has no power

too long i've let it have power

let it run my life

let it run me over

let it drive me to wit's end

let it ruin my days

but no longer

too long have i looked at others

and felt a pain

like i have to be

everything at they are

that i have to be

everything that everyone loves

but no longer

too long have i felt bad

and wished i were them

and wished that those people

had me up there

on that inspired pedestal

but no longer

i'm free

i don't have to be

anything that they are

people care

people make me smile

people make me life

leave me notes

say kind words

they don't care

so why should i?

i'm no one else

i'm just myself

and guess what?

that's the best person to be

that jealousy

it has no power

no longer

Dedicated to God, who helped me

And my friends, who helped me, too

thank you

thanks so much to everyone who's been praying or who's prayed for me before. thanks so much to everyone for their kind words. thanks so much to everyone for just being my friend. i would apologize for the last post, but i really.... you guys are my friends, you know? and i want to be able to tell my friends anything. (well, not quite everything. but at least get some help, you know?) this is a strange battle i'm fighting. most people will never have to fight it. but those prayers come as extra warriors and help me. and you know what?

i'm feeling better.

(seriously.)

i don't know if tomorrow i'm going to go into another guilt war or what, but right now? i'm doing good. God's helping me. my friends and family are helping me. you're helping me. and at this time, i'm trying to be positive; happy; bright.

yesterday, i was listening to the piano guys (i think it was) and i was blogging at the same time, and i just found myself humming along, happily. i found myself feeling free and a big smile came onto my face. that's what i want. i want to have happiness again. i felt like i haven't truly laughed for a decade or something. (don't worry, i have...) or felt happy. or free. but there was also someone (two or three someones, actually) who made me laugh. pretty hard. it was nice. :)

so just thanks.

God bless you guys.

you're all more amazing then you'll ever know,

anna

things i've done

"I am a terrible, terrible faun." "Oh, no, you're the nicest faun I've ever met." "Then I'm afraid you've had a very poor sampling." "Whatever you've done, I'm sure it's not that bad." "It's not something that I've done, Lucy Pevensie; it's something I'm doing." "What... what are you doing?" "I'm kidnapping you." ~Tumnus the Faun and Lucy Pevensie, The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe

but in my case, it is something i've done. things i've done. and sometimes it's hard to let go how horrible you've been; to accept that you can still live, just change. and i am changed. i am so different then i used to be. one thing i do know: i am much, much more sensitive to how i am towards other people. i suppose this could be a good thing, but sometimes it's not. sometimes it's like obsessive, and i feel like i'd rather just have it all over with and start with a clean slate already.

"i can't take this anymore. i just can't take this anymore!"

words help, more then anything. they're my swords that battle my confusing feelings that threaten to make me guilty for the rest of my life. God helps me the most, but He uses your words and others' to help me.... to help me stay.

please just pray for me. <3

some times are better then others, but then i'm attacked again...

bad memories

i'm the only one who's bringing it back, again and again. just go away, bad memories. why do you keep on haunting me? God, help me. push them away. i don't want them. that's not me anymore.

help.

Memory:(n.) something remembered from the past; a recollection.

i don't want to remember. 

should i do a linkup?

i was thinking... do you guys think i should do a linkup? i'm not sure. what would it be about? a pictures linkup? if you guys would want it, i would want to know if you guys would actually do it or not, because for me, linkups take a little bit.

tell me your thoughts. they're precious. <3

+thoughts+

+things+

+linkups+

take a little breath of fresh air,

anna

broken

i was a broken person. i had aged. i no longer felt like myself. i had flown away to some great heights, leaving me here to deal with everything dragging me down, deeper and deeper. i was in the rain, and i could not feel the water. i was in the rain, and all i heard was the storm.

i was no longer free. someone had chained me. they could not be broken. i was in despair. i cried out in pain, wanting to get away, but i could not. i was stuck here forever, i realized. i would never escape. my life was forever misery.

Broken:(adj.) having been fractured or damaged and no longer in one piece or in working order; rejected, defeated, or despairing.

 +i was broken, but not anymore+

the One reached down and picked me up, assembled me into someone new and different then before. am i stronger? i think so. time will tell. i am no longer broken.

gratitude

Gratitude: Take nothing for granted. Even a rock will eventually surrender to the sea and love can slip away like sand through fingers. - Michael Faudet

 i live in a beautiful house on beautiful land and have a beautiful family and beautiful friends.

discontent comes, and sometimes i wonder. it's so silly.

don't take anything for granted.

nostalgia

Nostalgia:(n.) a sentimental yearning for the happiness of a former place or time.

 I want to go back.

But I can't, ever.

pathways + choices + ways to go

i lay back

in the sunlight

basking in the glow

smiling up

at the sky

so big and blue

so full of possibilities

i smile

and know

that there

are a thousand pathways

a thousand choices

a thousand ways to go

and all i had to do

was go

there are so many decisions in life. i always get scared about which way to go. i suppose i shouldn't freak out so much. there's One who's watching out for me. i should, instead, see it as an adventure. there's so many places to go.

where do you want to go?

+trust+

+don't be afraid+

+choices to make+

trusting,

anna

let's string a thousand lights

let's string a thousand lights

on every little house

that a yell has been heard from

that an angry word has been said

let's string a thousand lights

and maybe with a little light

and a lot of love

everything might feel

just a little bit

brighter

just a little bit

happier

and just a little bit

better

let's string a thousand lights

on the government's gate

in hope that they

would somehow see

the big plan that God

really wants to happen

in hope that they

themselves

can be saved

in His unending grace

so that they

would help to lead us

in the way

of the King of Kings

and the Lord of Lords

the Lion of Judah

let's string a thousand lights

on the evergreen tree

that tall one

that reaches up to the sky

let's hang some tinsel

and maybe a few porcelain ornaments

of beautiful red

and purple

and green

and blue

and silver

and gold

and on the top

let's put a star

shining like the sun

leading us

to the One

who has a plan

for each and every one of us

let's string a thousand lights

let's light a thousand candles

let's give a thousand hopes

to a thousand lost peoples

let's string a thousand lights

i will soar

i will soar on wings like eagles

i will fly high above the earth

i will be freed of this sin

that that is weighing me down

and dragging me back to earth

i will fly

free

and i will discover

that flying

is so much better

then falling

i will soar on wings like eagles

i will be rid of everything that worries my heart

i will lift my arms

and soar

i with close my eyes

and laugh

for the bliss of simply being

free

i keep on thinking of bad things i've done in the past, and i feel sick. i keep on thinking of things that i've done before, when i hadn't realized they were bad. i keep on thinking of things past that i can't help, but they still make me feel as horrible as if i'd done them on purpose. it's good to confess. but now, more then ever, i'm beginning to understand that song by third day that goes "i will soar on wings like eagles." when we lift up what's going on in our lives to God, suddenly everything seems to fall away and our hearts, spirits, and minds can feel like they're soaring freely across the sky. i don't want to forget that feeling. i wish that feeling could always be mine. i'm getting better had just facing the truth and not letting myself get battered by myself. it's easier to know that God's there every step of the way, just waiting to let me soar on wings like eagles. <3

+let's soar+

+close your eyes+

+free+

suddenly feeling free,

anna

|| i will soar on wings like eagles.