Tuesday, July 14, 2015


they wrack my body
i close my eyes -
i don’t want to feel
i don’t want to feel this
i don’t want to feel anything
i want it all to stop
i want to be nothing
i want to run away
to a place
a place...
a place where
no one knows my name
a place where
no one knows who i am
what i’ve done
who i’ve been
i want to run
run far, far away
where i can live a life
a life dreamed up in fantasy
a life where everything
turns out just right
i want to run
but i can’t
i’m scared
too scared
who am i kidding?
i can’t run
but i want to run
i want to get away
i want to escape this
all of this
this feeling
this fear
this loathing
this hate
this hate of myself
of me
of everything that i am
i want to be
someone else
i want to be
anyone else
their lives?
they say they’re not
but compared to mine?
their problems
they seem like
my high points
the things
that take my mind off
everything that is me
my reality is this -
everything i touch
withers like a flower in winter
every word i say
bites like the cold
says the wrong thing
comes out the wrong way
every single day
i know that they can’t stand me
i know they’d rather
have anyone but me
that they wish
i were someone else
and that?
that’s why i want to run

i don’t know that word
it terrifies me
and yet brings a tear to my eye
they forgive me,
or so they say
but it’s not just them
God forgives me,
and i know He does
but it’s not just Him
i can’t forgive myself
who could?
i’ve done so, so many horrible things
i can’t be forgiven
how can i live a normal life?
how could people love me,
this person who all the sins?
how could they love me,
knowing what i’ve done?
who i’ve been?
what i’ve thought?
what i’ve said?
i don’t feel like
i can live with myself
but if i run?
i could forget
i could forget
what i’ve done
who i’ve been
what i’ve thought
what i’ve said
but i have to

“There is now
no condemnation
for those
who are in
Christ Jesus
our Lord.”(a)
that voice
that kindness
that warmth
that love
it’s not mine
i can’t take it
i can’t hold it
i can’t feel it
i do have condemnation
i condem myself
i can’t forgive myself
who could?
i’m unlovable
i’m unwanted
i’m unimportant

There is now
no condemnation
for those
who are in
Christ Jesus
our Lord.”(a)
could it be true?
or is it lies?
could i just
give it all away?
give it all to Him?
no longer
have this hold on myself?
let go out of the rope
that has strangled me?
let go of the sword
that has tortured me?
let go out of the arrows
that have pierced me?
can i do that?
is it true?
is it possible
that even through all of this
He still loves me?
that He still cares?
that He says,
“I will be a Father to you,
and you will be
my sons and daughters”(b)?
can it be?

i still have problems
and sometimes?
i still hate myself
i have begun to heal
i have begun to forgive
i have begun to understand
that even though
i have
all of this sin?
as a Christian
God still loves me,
and He will always love me
and if i continue to walk in His ways
He will take me to a place
where there is no more
pain and suffering
to the place where He dwells
and sits on High
and i do not have to run
because i no longer
have anything
to run from
because i?
i am forgiven


not seemingly that long ago, i dealt a lot with depression, because i felt like i could never forgive myself for the things that i had done. and i wanted to run - not in reality, but just to somehow get away from myself and everything that i have done. and i couldn’t help but think, “how could anyone love this piece of worthless trash? i am nothing.” but God loves me no matter what i’ve done and i’ve had to repent from. and He says that there is no longer any condemnation for me, that i am forgiven. and He says that He loves me. and He says that He loves you.

He loves you.

- anna -

(a)Romans 8:1, (b)2 Corinthians 6:18b

Monday, March 23, 2015


i close my eyes
and breath in deep
there it is
it’s here again

it’s listening
to disney songs
and stargazing
and reading outside
it’s here again

it’s green grass
and blooming flowers
birds flying and
twittering and playing
out their beautiful song
it’s here again

it’s running through the forest
a leather satchel at our side
it’s a million stories
running wild in our minds
it’d here again

it’s summer’s older sister
winter’s best friend
it’s fall’s distant cousin
we wish it’d never end
it’s here again

it’s that warm sun
those windy days
a darkened sky
a day of rain
it’s here again

it’s as wonderful as Middle-earth
more mystical than Narnia
it’s more beautiful than a Shire
its voice is louder than a lion
it’s here again

it’s a magical time
a real time
a time in between
it’s here again

it’s a time of
beautiful nature
crafted by the Designer
it’s a time of bright stars
and bright skies
it’s here again


Wednesday, February 18, 2015

at the top of a tower \\ He’s always there.

breath caught
heart beating
hands trembling
and that one thought
i can’t move
if i move,
i die
feet planted
i’m not going
to make it out of this
“are you
the voice
it’s next to me
i chuckle
i’m fine”
“you sure?”
no i’m not
i need to get
down from here”
they nod
“don’t worry -
it’ll be fine.
you want me
to go first?”
i smile
then i nod
“yes -
thank you”
“don’t fear”
they say
it’s hard to
but that’s
just it -
we can’t
trust on our own
we’ve got to ask
for help

ask God for help. // He’s always there.

Monday, October 20, 2014

a poem for fall

i stick my head out the window
and close my eyes
and take a deep breath
the wind blows through the trees
blowing through the autumn leaves
and whipping my hair
off my face
the leaves rustle high above
coloring the sky
red and orange and yellow
against the brilliant blue
like a sea high above
covered in boats of leaves
there’s a pumpkin pie on the windowsill
below, the scent wafting out
i run down the stairs
and grab my hat
and wrap on my scarf
and snatch my coat
and hurry outside
the door banging behind me
my leather boots bang on the ground
 the leaves scuttle beneath my feet
i rush down the road
my eyes searching ahead
and then i see it
and i smile
i rush forward
and push the swing
the old tire flying high
i laugh and jump on
as it swings down
and fly towards the sky
i feel like if i let go
and pushed off
my hands spread out far
that i could fly
up into the sky
towards a distant star
the tire swings down again
and i remember that i won’t fly
but i don’t care
i’m happy just as i am
i jump off the swing
and hurry down the road
just a little farther down
i glance at the sun
and i realize it’s almost time
maybe i shouldn’t
have dallied so long
but surely - i’ll make it on time
i rush back down the lane
and through the gate
and throw open the door with a smile
my family’s before me -
my father, mother, brothers,
sisters, cousins, aunts, and uncles
grandfathers and grandmothers
and everyone else in between
my mother winks and beckons
and we head into the dining room
 the long table
it’s there, spread out before me
only coming out -
only on one day
 a special
one of my favorite days
we all gather around
the food’s on the table
i glance around -
so many happy, loved faces
i love today -
and every other day
thank you God,
for all of these happy days
i’m thankful for this day
and every day
it’s Thanksgiving.


i love Thanksgiving - i can’t wait until it comes around again this year. fall is here upon us, and it brings me joy. drink your warm coffee and tea, wrap on your scarves, run through the forests on an adventure, and have a lovely, God-blessed fall. - Anna

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

look to God

i stood there
a cold wind on my face
a tear on my cheek
gone from that place
it was a long time ago
like a land far away
when i left this place
i remember that day

there are so many memories
a laugh, a smile
they cloud my vision
but in awhile
i see that that’s all gone now
the house is dark
the house is cold
against the white sky stark

i remember running and playing
laughing through the leaves
i remember running over the hills
and climbing the trees
i remember climbing to the roof
sliding down on the snow
i remember the dandelions
the ones i used to blow

there were so many happy memories
that i wish i could go back
sitting on the grass all day
eating apples out of a sack
i wish that this place was like it was
the way i remember
the way that i’d left it
that long ago December

but i can’t go back
though memories stay
so instead, i’ll look ahead
to a better, brighter day
because staying in the past?
that’s something that doesn’t work
we don’t appreciate what we have
this present life we shirk

we can’t ever go back
but we have something up ahead
there’s Someone bigger then us
down this life i’ve led
someone guiding us, the Bright Ones,
as we journey through this life
Someone who’s carried us
through darkness and strife

don’t stay in the past
but look to tomorrow
find the joy in Christ
give Him your sorrow
trust in Him for His Great Plan,
let Him be your Rock,
though you be tripped and trampled
and shamed and mocked

this house is just a house
this land is just a piece of earth
that smile and that laughter
were that moment’s mirth
things can’t ever be the same
but that doesn’t mean they won’t ever be great
we can’t change things in the past
but we can change now, before it’s too late

this will all rot away
but God will stand forever
doing His will is the only thing
that is the Worthy Endeavor
so take your eyes off the past
and put them on God
the Maker of the World
this round sphere of sod

look to God in trial
look to God in pain
God is here for you
His peace you will gain
so don’t look to the past
where you can’t change things and can’t go
but look to the One who makes the stars shine
to the One who makes the dandelions blow.

look to God, the Maker of the World.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014


mine + please don’t pin
i get afraid. a lot. i’m afraid of new things. afraid of changes. afraid of things i don’t understand and don’t know. things that i’ve heard of. things. and then i was given something that is really quite amazing.
“To be brave, you must first be afraid.” - Anonymous
let’s just let this sink in for a moment. “to be brave, you must first be afraid.” wow. this is like... life-changing for me. mostly, i always feel afraid. and it’s through that, that i can be brave? that practically blows my mind. brave people seem so... confident. unafraid. fearing nothing. could they actually have a fear, too? could they just push it away, and take a step out into the darkness?

when i heard this, i realized just how true this is. we can be the most afraid we have ever been in our life, but if we take that first trusting step, reach out and grab God’s hand, even though we’re afraid, we’re showing bravery. brave people don’t always feel brave. most likely, they never feel brave. but they trusted God, and took a step of faith out into the darkness where they couldn’t see. God be might be asking us to go somewhere that looks like, to us, like stepping off a cliff. the other side is shrouded in mist, and we feel fear - what’s on the other side? what if we fall? what if we die? it takes bravery to step out.

we might be scared beyond belief, but sometimes you just have to push that side and take the plunge. we don’t know what’s on the other side, but God does. some of you may be familiar with this verse, but i’d really love to share it with you:
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” - Isaiah 41:10-11
we don’t have to fear, because God is with us. He is our solid rock on Whom we stand. though everything else falls away, He will still be there.
“He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.” - Psalm 91:4
sometimes it feels like if you’re afraid and you step out, you’re going to fall. but God will always be there to pick you up again. don’t be afraid to be brave. don’t be afraid to be bold.
“When I called, you answered me; you made me bold and stouthearted.” - Psalm 138:3
when you feel like you’re going to fall, step out, call out to God to catch you, to make you bold, to make you brave. so today i urge you - be brave.

Thursday, February 27, 2014

when the weight drops off

my photo + please don’t pin
have you ever
just felt
and then stepped
and felt the wind
and suddenly
the weight
it’s flying
flying away
and you just
God lets us soar on wings like eagles.
feeling free,