Tuesday, July 14, 2015


they wrack my body
i close my eyes -
i don’t want to feel
i don’t want to feel this
i don’t want to feel anything
i want it all to stop
i want to be nothing
i want to run away
to a place
a place...
a place where
no one knows my name
a place where
no one knows who i am
what i’ve done
who i’ve been
i want to run
run far, far away
where i can live a life
a life dreamed up in fantasy
a life where everything
turns out just right
i want to run
but i can’t
i’m scared
too scared
who am i kidding?
i can’t run
but i want to run
i want to get away
i want to escape this
all of this
this feeling
this fear
this loathing
this hate
this hate of myself
of me
of everything that i am
i want to be
someone else
i want to be
anyone else
their lives?
they say they’re not
but compared to mine?
their problems
they seem like
my high points
the things
that take my mind off
everything that is me
my reality is this -
everything i touch
withers like a flower in winter
every word i say
bites like the cold
says the wrong thing
comes out the wrong way
every single day
i know that they can’t stand me
i know they’d rather
have anyone but me
that they wish
i were someone else
and that?
that’s why i want to run

i don’t know that word
it terrifies me
and yet brings a tear to my eye
they forgive me,
or so they say
but it’s not just them
God forgives me,
and i know He does
but it’s not just Him
i can’t forgive myself
who could?
i’ve done so, so many horrible things
i can’t be forgiven
how can i live a normal life?
how could people love me,
this person who all the sins?
how could they love me,
knowing what i’ve done?
who i’ve been?
what i’ve thought?
what i’ve said?
i don’t feel like
i can live with myself
but if i run?
i could forget
i could forget
what i’ve done
who i’ve been
what i’ve thought
what i’ve said
but i have to

“There is now
no condemnation
for those
who are in
Christ Jesus
our Lord.”(a)
that voice
that kindness
that warmth
that love
it’s not mine
i can’t take it
i can’t hold it
i can’t feel it
i do have condemnation
i condem myself
i can’t forgive myself
who could?
i’m unlovable
i’m unwanted
i’m unimportant

There is now
no condemnation
for those
who are in
Christ Jesus
our Lord.”(a)
could it be true?
or is it lies?
could i just
give it all away?
give it all to Him?
no longer
have this hold on myself?
let go out of the rope
that has strangled me?
let go of the sword
that has tortured me?
let go out of the arrows
that have pierced me?
can i do that?
is it true?
is it possible
that even through all of this
He still loves me?
that He still cares?
that He says,
“I will be a Father to you,
and you will be
my sons and daughters”(b)?
can it be?

i still have problems
and sometimes?
i still hate myself
i have begun to heal
i have begun to forgive
i have begun to understand
that even though
i have
all of this sin?
as a Christian
God still loves me,
and He will always love me
and if i continue to walk in His ways
He will take me to a place
where there is no more
pain and suffering
to the place where He dwells
and sits on High
and i do not have to run
because i no longer
have anything
to run from
because i?
i am forgiven


not seemingly that long ago, i dealt a lot with depression, because i felt like i could never forgive myself for the things that i had done. and i wanted to run - not in reality, but just to somehow get away from myself and everything that i have done. and i couldn’t help but think, “how could anyone love this piece of worthless trash? i am nothing.” but God loves me no matter what i’ve done and i’ve had to repent from. and He says that there is no longer any condemnation for me, that i am forgiven. and He says that He loves me. and He says that He loves you.

He loves you.

- anna -

(a)Romans 8:1, (b)2 Corinthians 6:18b