Tuesday, July 14, 2015


they wrack my body
i close my eyes -
i don’t want to feel
i don’t want to feel this
i don’t want to feel anything
i want it all to stop
i want to be nothing
i want to run away
to a place
a place...
a place where
no one knows my name
a place where
no one knows who i am
what i’ve done
who i’ve been
i want to run
run far, far away
where i can live a life
a life dreamed up in fantasy
a life where everything
turns out just right
i want to run
but i can’t
i’m scared
too scared
who am i kidding?
i can’t run
but i want to run
i want to get away
i want to escape this
all of this
this feeling
this fear
this loathing
this hate
this hate of myself
of me
of everything that i am
i want to be
someone else
i want to be
anyone else
their lives?
they say they’re not
but compared to mine?
their problems
they seem like
my high points
the things
that take my mind off
everything that is me
my reality is this -
everything i touch
withers like a flower in winter
every word i say
bites like the cold
says the wrong thing
comes out the wrong way
every single day
i know that they can’t stand me
i know they’d rather
have anyone but me
that they wish
i were someone else
and that?
that’s why i want to run

i don’t know that word
it terrifies me
and yet brings a tear to my eye
they forgive me,
or so they say
but it’s not just them
God forgives me,
and i know He does
but it’s not just Him
i can’t forgive myself
who could?
i’ve done so, so many horrible things
i can’t be forgiven
how can i live a normal life?
how could people love me,
this person who all the sins?
how could they love me,
knowing what i’ve done?
who i’ve been?
what i’ve thought?
what i’ve said?
i don’t feel like
i can live with myself
but if i run?
i could forget
i could forget
what i’ve done
who i’ve been
what i’ve thought
what i’ve said
but i have to

“There is now
no condemnation
for those
who are in
Christ Jesus
our Lord.”(a)
that voice
that kindness
that warmth
that love
it’s not mine
i can’t take it
i can’t hold it
i can’t feel it
i do have condemnation
i condem myself
i can’t forgive myself
who could?
i’m unlovable
i’m unwanted
i’m unimportant

There is now
no condemnation
for those
who are in
Christ Jesus
our Lord.”(a)
could it be true?
or is it lies?
could i just
give it all away?
give it all to Him?
no longer
have this hold on myself?
let go out of the rope
that has strangled me?
let go of the sword
that has tortured me?
let go out of the arrows
that have pierced me?
can i do that?
is it true?
is it possible
that even through all of this
He still loves me?
that He still cares?
that He says,
“I will be a Father to you,
and you will be
my sons and daughters”(b)?
can it be?

i still have problems
and sometimes?
i still hate myself
i have begun to heal
i have begun to forgive
i have begun to understand
that even though
i have
all of this sin?
as a Christian
God still loves me,
and He will always love me
and if i continue to walk in His ways
He will take me to a place
where there is no more
pain and suffering
to the place where He dwells
and sits on High
and i do not have to run
because i no longer
have anything
to run from
because i?
i am forgiven


not seemingly that long ago, i dealt a lot with depression, because i felt like i could never forgive myself for the things that i had done. and i wanted to run - not in reality, but just to somehow get away from myself and everything that i have done. and i couldn’t help but think, “how could anyone love this piece of worthless trash? i am nothing.” but God loves me no matter what i’ve done and i’ve had to repent from. and He says that there is no longer any condemnation for me, that i am forgiven. and He says that He loves me. and He says that He loves you.

He loves you.

- anna -

(a)Romans 8:1, (b)2 Corinthians 6:18b


  1. I really needed this. Thank you so so much for pouring you heart out!

  2. Anna, I've been going through the same thing, condemning myself. Thank you for sharing this, and letting God use you through it.
    I pray you are having a blessed day! <3


  3. It's such a comfort to know that we are forgiven and that God has paid for our sins on the cross! :) And when we start feeling guilty over sin God uses that to bring us closer to Him. We have such a good Father!
    One of the books I read (it was written in the 1800s) when I was having a hard time is "Stepping Heavenward" by Elizabeth Prentiss. It's a great diary about a girl and her Christian walk, It's very easy to relate with. :)

    Thanks for writing! :)

  4. What a beautiful post dear. I can relate to you on this so much. I have dealt with depression and wanted to give up. It's so hard to forget about the horrible things because that's all you think about. But I try to do the things I love, and that makes me forget it. You will get through this, I know you can. :)

  5. Yes, God loves and forgives no matter what!! <3 Great post; it really resonated with me. ><

    Oh and I wanted to let you know that I tagged you for the 777 challenge (http://apieceofmysky.blogspot.sg/2015/09/the-777-challenge-random-scribblings-6.html). I hope you'll take a look at it and maybe give it a try.

    Keep blogging <3

  6. Hello Anna. Indeed it is a great post and repeatedly it comes to us that our God is a forgivubg God who thorouhgly washes our past and brightens our future with His righteousness,joy and happiness and makes life worth living by making our lives purpose driven. I am a Pastor from Mumbai, India. I am blessed and feel privileged and honored to get connected with you as well as know you through your profile on the blogger and the blog post. I LOVE getting connected with the people of God around the globe to be encouraged, strengthened and praying for one another. I have been in the Pastoral ministry for last 37 yrs in this great city of Mumbai a city with a great contrast where richest of rich and the poorest of poor live. We reach out to the poorest of poor with the love of Christ to bring healing to the broken hearted. We also encourage young and the audlts from the west to come to Mumbai to work with us during their vacation time. We would love to have you come to Mumbai with your friends to work with during your vacation time. I am sure you will have a life changing experience. Looking forward to hear from you very soon. God's richest blessings on you, your family and friends. My email id is: dhwankhede(at)gmail(dot)com and my name is Diwakar Wankhede.


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