depression

sobs

they wrack my body

i close my eyes -

i don’t want to feel

i don’t want to feel this

i don’t want to feel anything

i want it all to stop

i want to be nothing

i want to run away

to a place

a place...

a place where

no one knows my name

a place where

no one knows who i am

what i’ve done

who i’ve been

i want to run

run far, far away

where i can live a life

a life dreamed up in fantasy

a life where everything

turns out just right

i want to run

but i can’t

i’m scared

too scared

who am i kidding?

run?

i can’t run

but i want to run

i want to get away

i want to escape this

all of this

this feeling

this fear

this loathing

this hate

this hate of myself

of me

of everything that i am

i want to be

someone else

i want to be

anyone else

their lives?

perfect

they say they’re not

but compared to mine?

perfect

their problems
they seem like
my high points
the things
that take my mind off
everything that is me

my reality is this -

everything i touch

withers like a flower in winter

every word i say

bites like the cold

says the wrong thing

comes out the wrong way

every single day

i know that they can’t stand me

i know they’d rather

have anyone but me

that they wish

i were someone else

and that?

that’s why i want to run

forgiveness

i don’t know that word

it terrifies me

and yet brings a tear to my eye

they forgive me,

or so they say

but it’s not just them

God forgives me,

and i know He does

but it’s not just Him

it’s...it’s

me

i can’t forgive myself

who could?

i’ve done so, so many horrible things

i can’t be forgiven

how can i live a normal life?

how could people love me,

this person who all the sins?

how could they love me,

knowing what i’ve done?

who i’ve been?

what i’ve thought?

what i’ve said?

i don’t feel like

i can live with myself

but if i run?

i could forget

everything

i could forget

what i’ve done

who i’ve been

what i’ve thought

what i’ve said

but i have to

run

“There is now

no condemnation

for those

who are in

Christ Jesus

our Lord.”(a)

that voice

that kindness

that warmth

that love

it’s not mine

i can’t take it

i can’t hold it

i can’t feel it

i do have condemnation

i condem myself

i can’t forgive myself

who could?

i’m unlovable

i’m unwanted

i’m unimportant

“There is now

no condemnation

for those

who are in

Christ Jesus

our Lord.”(a)

could it be true?

or is it lies?

could i just

give it all away?

give it all to Him?

no longer

have this hold on myself?

let go out of the rope

that has strangled me?

let go of the sword

that has tortured me?

let go out of the arrows

that have pierced me?

can i do that?

is it true?

is it possible

that even through all of this

He still loves me?

that He still cares?

that He says,

“I will be a Father to you,

and you will be

my sons and daughters”(b)?

can it be?

i still have problems

and sometimes?

i still hate myself

but...

i have begun to heal

i have begun to forgive

i have begun to understand

that even though

i have

all of this sin?

as a Christian

God still loves me,

and He will always love me

and if i continue to walk in His ways

He will take me to a place

where there is no more

pain and suffering

to the place where He dwells

and sits on High

and i do not have to run

because i no longer

have anything

to run from

because i?

i am forgiven

//

not seemingly that long ago, i dealt a lot with depression, because i felt like i could never forgive myself for the things that i had done. and i wanted to run - not in reality, but just to somehow get away from myself and everything that i have done. and i couldn’t help but think, “how could anyone love this piece of worthless trash? i am nothing.” but God loves me no matter what i’ve done and i’ve had to repent from. and He says that there is no longer any condemnation for me, that i am forgiven. and He says that He loves me. and He says that He loves you.

He loves you.

- anna -

(a)Romans 8:1, (b)2 Corinthians 6:18b