Wednesday, October 30, 2013

try again

i stared down at my hands, letting out a shaky breath. the words wouldn't leave me alone, repeating themselves over and over in my head.

"i'm sorry, you haven't been accepted. you're not good enough."

tears came to my eyes and rolled down my cheeks. what was i going to do now? this was all i'd ever known. this was all i was good at. there was no other future for me. my family was gone. i didn't have any friends. i had no place to go. this had been everything that my life had been. and now it was gone. there was no purpose. i was done.


my dream.... why did it have to be shattered? why did it have to all come tumbling down? i leaned heavily against the building, wishing that today had never happened. wishing that i could go back to that morning, when i had been so hopeful and happy. i wished i could just stay there, and not have to come back to the present--ever. this pain was too much to bear.

"you're hopeless. you'll never make a living out of this. face it--you stink."

i cringed at the thought of the words. why did this have to happen? why?

i turned and walked down the street, my hands in my pockets. i didn't stop until i reached the park on the edge of the bay. i gripped the railings so hard my knuckles turned white. the wind brushed my hair away from my face and dried my tears.

my life was over. there was nothing more here for me.

"no," i whispered. "NO!"

i stared up at the sky. clouds threatened to pour rain. i didn't care. i didn't care if anyone was watching me. i stared up at the sky.'

"God," i started, "you say in your word that you have a plan for me, not to harm me, but to give me a hope and a future. i thought this WAS my hope and my future. so what now? what do i do next? God, i need You. i need help."

that's when i felt it. the despair left me. and a new thought came.

that one person might have said i was worthless. they might have said that i wouldn't amount to anything. but that didn't mean i had to give up. i would practice harder. i would do better. i would come back, and i would do it--i would become a writer, just like i'd always been. and nobody was going to throw that dream away from me. it would be hard, yes, and it would hurt. it would be hard to have to start all over and write better, more beautifully. but i would try and try and try, and try again. i would try until there was another vision that i was given by God.

"i'm not giving up," i whispered. i glanced up at the sky and smiled. "thanks."

Monday, October 28, 2013

let them make you stronger

it's alright
their words
they aren't true
don't let them
break you down
let them make you

Saturday, October 26, 2013

eight word story


Wednesday, October 23, 2013

it has no power

too long i've let it have power
let it run my life
let it run me over
let it drive me to wit's end
let it ruin my days
but no longer

too long have i looked at others
and felt a pain
like i have to be
everything at they are
that i have to be
everything that everyone loves
but no longer

too long have i felt bad
and wished i were them
and wished that those people
had me up there
on that inspired pedestal
but no longer

i'm free
i don't have to be
anything that they are
people care
people make me smile
people make me life
leave me notes
say kind words
they don't care
so why should i?
i'm no one else
i'm just myself

and guess what?
that's the best person to be

that jealousy
it has no power

no longer

Dedicated to God, who helped me
And my friends, who helped me, too

Sunday, October 20, 2013

thank you

thanks so much to everyone who's been praying or who's prayed for me before. thanks so much to everyone for their kind words. thanks so much to everyone for just being my friend. i would apologize for the last post, but i really.... you guys are my friends, you know? and i want to be able to tell my friends anything. (well, not quite everything. but at least get some help, you know?) this is a strange battle i'm fighting. most people will never have to fight it. but those prayers come as extra warriors and help me. and you know what?

i'm feeling better.


i don't know if tomorrow i'm going to go into another guilt war or what, but right now? i'm doing good. God's helping me. my friends and family are helping me. you're helping me. and at this time, i'm trying to be positive; happy; bright.

yesterday, i was listening to the piano guys (i think it was) and i was blogging at the same time, and i just found myself humming along, happily. i found myself feeling free and a big smile came onto my face. that's what i want. i want to have happiness again. i felt like i haven't truly laughed for a decade or something. (don't worry, i have...) or felt happy. or free. but there was also someone (two or three someones, actually) who made me laugh. pretty hard. it was nice. :)

so just thanks.
God bless you guys.

you're all more amazing then you'll ever know,

Saturday, October 19, 2013

things i've done

"I am a terrible, terrible faun." "Oh, no, you're the nicest faun I've ever met." "Then I'm afraid you've had a very poor sampling." "Whatever you've done, I'm sure it's not that bad." "It's not something that I've done, Lucy Pevensie; it's something I'm doing." "What... what are you doing?" "I'm kidnapping you." ~Tumnus the Faun and Lucy Pevensie, The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe
but in my case, it is something i've done. things i've done. and sometimes it's hard to let go how horrible you've been; to accept that you can still live, just change. and i am changed. i am so different then i used to be. one thing i do know: i am much, much more sensitive to how i am towards other people. i suppose this could be a good thing, but sometimes it's not. sometimes it's like obsessive, and i feel like i'd rather just have it all over with and start with a clean slate already.
"i can't take this anymore. i just can't take this anymore!"
words help, more then anything. they're my swords that battle my confusing feelings that threaten to make me guilty for the rest of my life. God helps me the most, but He uses your words and others' to help me.... to help me stay.

please just pray for me. <3

some times are better then others, but then i'm attacked again...

Friday, October 18, 2013

bad memories

i'm the only one who's bringing it back, again and again. just go away, bad memories. why do you keep on haunting me? God, help me. push them away. i don't want them. that's not me anymore.

Memory:(n.) something remembered from the past; a recollection.
i don't want to remember. 

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

should i do a linkup?

i was thinking... do you guys think i should do a linkup? i'm not sure. what would it be about? a pictures linkup? if you guys would want it, i would want to know if you guys would actually do it or not, because for me, linkups take a little bit.

tell me your thoughts. they're precious. <3


take a little breath of fresh air,

Friday, October 11, 2013


Lost:(adj.) unable to find one's way; unable to be found.
Look up into the stars and get lost. 

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

"i'm coming, you ready?"

let's grab a cab
and go somewhere
the snow falling
on the windshield
as if bringing
memories of old
right to my doorstep
reminding me
of things i've done
things i'm planning
things i wanted to do
but didn't
but it's alright
it's okay
they're fading away
even the good ones
but that's okay
they're behind me
i'm going on an adventure
through the snow
in a cab
i've got great things
ahead of me
i don't think
about what's behind
i have a future
before me
and that's
all that matters
the past is gone
the future is before me
why live in the past
when we can't
change it?
why not
the future?
why not
make a difference
instead of wallowing
in the things
of the past?
that makes
much more sense
i think
as i sit
in the cab
the snow falling
with a smile
on my face

i'm not
going to think
of the things
of the past
with a dread
i'm going to look
to the things of the future
with a smile
and a little whisper
that says,
"i'm coming"
"you ready?"

Tuesday, October 8, 2013


i was a broken person. i had aged. i no longer felt like myself. i had flown away to some great heights, leaving me here to deal with everything dragging me down, deeper and deeper. i was in the rain, and i could not feel the water. i was in the rain, and all i heard was the storm.

i was no longer free. someone had chained me. they could not be broken. i was in despair. i cried out in pain, wanting to get away, but i could not. i was stuck here forever, i realized. i would never escape. my life was forever misery.
Broken:(adj.) having been fractured or damaged and no longer in one piece or in working order; rejected, defeated, or despairing.
 +i was broken, but not anymore+

the One reached down and picked me up, assembled me into someone new and different then before. am i stronger? i think so. time will tell. i am no longer broken.

Sunday, October 6, 2013


Gratitude: Take nothing for granted. Even a rock will eventually surrender to the sea and love can slip away like sand through fingers. - Michael Faudet
 i live in a beautiful house on beautiful land and have a beautiful family and beautiful friends.

discontent comes, and sometimes i wonder. it's so silly.

don't take anything for granted.

Saturday, October 5, 2013


Nostalgia:(n.) a sentimental yearning for the happiness of a former place or time.
 I want to go back.

But I can't, ever.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

pathways + choices + ways to go

i lay back
in the sunlight
basking in the glow
smiling up
at the sky
so big and blue
so full of possibilities
i smile
and know
that there
are a thousand pathways
a thousand choices
a thousand ways to go
and all i had to do
was go

there are so many decisions in life. i always get scared about which way to go. i suppose i shouldn't freak out so much. there's One who's watching out for me. i should, instead, see it as an adventure. there's so many places to go.

where do you want to go?

+don't be afraid+
+choices to make+