i stared down at my hands, letting out a shaky breath. the words wouldn't leave me alone, repeating themselves over and over in my head.
"i'm sorry, you haven't been accepted. you're not good enough."
tears came to my eyes and rolled down my cheeks. what was i going to do now? this was all i'd ever known. this was all i was good at. there was no other future for me. my family was gone. i didn't have any friends. i had no place to go. this had been everything that my life had been. and now it was gone. there was no purpose. i was done.
my dream.... why did it have to be shattered? why did it have to all come tumbling down? i leaned heavily against the building, wishing that today had never happened. wishing that i could go back to that morning, when i had been so hopeful and happy. i wished i could just stay there, and not have to come back to the present--ever. this pain was too much to bear.
"you're hopeless. you'll never make a living out of this. face it--you stink."
i cringed at the thought of the words. why did this have to happen? why?
i turned and walked down the street, my hands in my pockets. i didn't stop until i reached the park on the edge of the bay. i gripped the railings so hard my knuckles turned white. the wind brushed my hair away from my face and dried my tears.
my life was over. there was nothing more here for me.
"no," i whispered. "NO!"
i stared up at the sky. clouds threatened to pour rain. i didn't care. i didn't care if anyone was watching me. i stared up at the sky.'
"God," i started, "you say in your word that you have a plan for me, not to harm me, but to give me a hope and a future. i thought this WAS my hope and my future. so what now? what do i do next? God, i need You. i need help."
that's when i felt it. the despair left me. and a new thought came.
that one person might have said i was worthless. they might have said that i wouldn't amount to anything. but that didn't mean i had to give up. i would practice harder. i would do better. i would come back, and i would do it--i would become a writer, just like i'd always been. and nobody was going to throw that dream away from me. it would be hard, yes, and it would hurt. it would be hard to have to start all over and write better, more beautifully. but i would try and try and try, and try again. i would try until there was another vision that i was given by God.
"i'm not giving up," i whispered. i glanced up at the sky and smiled. "thanks."