be a voice not an echo

everything is so loud and crazy out there.

i keep on getting lost. it's scary out there. it's like a forest where there's no sunlight.

i find myself walking behind everyone else. i find myself following everyone else. i find myself copying everyone else.

i have ideas. but i'm too scared. i'm afraid that people won't like them. i'm afraid of what people will say.

they're buried. deep down. they're forgotten. i push them away. i don't want to see them.

"be like us," they say.

"i want to," i say.

i follow.

i don't let my ideas come out.

i am not a voice.

i am an echo.

i walk among the trees.

they are quiet, silent; they rise up to the skies, but their roots are in the ground, deep down here with me.

and that's where it comes.

"i have an idea."

i push it away. i don't want to see them.

but there's another voice, and it breaks through the subdued silence that i have become. it is my true voice, one that i have pushed away, again and again, with every other idea that was ever hidden with my fear.

it speaks.

it whispers.

it says,

"speak out.

share your ideas.

be your own voice.

don't be an echo."

i am not a voice.

i am an echo.

i'm scared.

i run through the forest. i don't look back. my eyes are blinded. with what?

tears.

i run harder.

the voice is still here. and suddenly, i've stopped. i'm not scared. i'm tired; tired of running away, tired of hiding, tired of burying every hope and dream i ever had deep down inside of myself, never to see the light of day.

and so i stand.

tall.

proud.

smiling.

and suddenly it's all gone. all the fear is washed away. everything about me that whispered "echo" on the night wind has been blown away by itself.

and so i stand.

and i say,

"i am a voice.

i am not an echo."

i went off.

i took a book.

i took a pen.

 i wrote words.

i gave the words.

i made a smile.

+be a voice, not an echo+

take courage, dear heart,

anna

|| i was an echo. but not anymore.

let's string a thousand lights

let's string a thousand lights

on every little house

that a yell has been heard from

that an angry word has been said

let's string a thousand lights

and maybe with a little light

and a lot of love

everything might feel

just a little bit

brighter

just a little bit

happier

and just a little bit

better

let's string a thousand lights

on the government's gate

in hope that they

would somehow see

the big plan that God

really wants to happen

in hope that they

themselves

can be saved

in His unending grace

so that they

would help to lead us

in the way

of the King of Kings

and the Lord of Lords

the Lion of Judah

let's string a thousand lights

on the evergreen tree

that tall one

that reaches up to the sky

let's hang some tinsel

and maybe a few porcelain ornaments

of beautiful red

and purple

and green

and blue

and silver

and gold

and on the top

let's put a star

shining like the sun

leading us

to the One

who has a plan

for each and every one of us

let's string a thousand lights

let's light a thousand candles

let's give a thousand hopes

to a thousand lost peoples

let's string a thousand lights

i will soar

i will soar on wings like eagles

i will fly high above the earth

i will be freed of this sin

that that is weighing me down

and dragging me back to earth

i will fly

free

and i will discover

that flying

is so much better

then falling

i will soar on wings like eagles

i will be rid of everything that worries my heart

i will lift my arms

and soar

i with close my eyes

and laugh

for the bliss of simply being

free

i keep on thinking of bad things i've done in the past, and i feel sick. i keep on thinking of things that i've done before, when i hadn't realized they were bad. i keep on thinking of things past that i can't help, but they still make me feel as horrible as if i'd done them on purpose. it's good to confess. but now, more then ever, i'm beginning to understand that song by third day that goes "i will soar on wings like eagles." when we lift up what's going on in our lives to God, suddenly everything seems to fall away and our hearts, spirits, and minds can feel like they're soaring freely across the sky. i don't want to forget that feeling. i wish that feeling could always be mine. i'm getting better had just facing the truth and not letting myself get battered by myself. it's easier to know that God's there every step of the way, just waiting to let me soar on wings like eagles. <3

+let's soar+

+close your eyes+

+free+

suddenly feeling free,

anna

|| i will soar on wings like eagles.

let's eat some cereal together

i smiled. she giggled. milk dripped off my spoon and plopped back into my bowl. her elbow bumped the table, spilling milk on the old wooden table. she gives me a guilty look, but i only smile and reach over, wiping it up with a napkin. she gives me a toothy grin. i give her a wink. she giggles, and slurps milk and cereal into her mouth. i grin, watching her, her little golden curls bouncing with her every movement. we were separated by ten years. i was the oldest, she was the youngest. but it didn't matter. we were sisters. she looked up to me like a mother. i looked up to her like a friend. in her simplest, child-like manner, she would say things that would make so much sense, and make me wonder why i hadn't thought that before. i could be a horrible mess of a crying wreck, and she would simply slip her small hand into mine, so warm, so tiny, so precious. her large eyes would look up at me and she'd whisper, "you ok?" and i'd wipe away the tears and nod, smiling down at her little face. she made days bearable for me. she gave me that smile i needed. she gave me that encouragement to reach the last mile. she might've only been give years old, but she was wiser then someone who was five hundred years old. i would forever love my little sister. she saw the simple things that i often forgot. she saved me from the silliest things. she lifted my hopes and brightened my days. she was my little sunshine.

i can still remember the words she said as i came down the stairs that morning, my face puffy from crying from the night before. she didn't know, or need to know, about the yelling that had gone on. she didn't need to know about the horrible words screamed at me, the same words that i screamed back. she didn't need to know anything other then that i was her sister, and that we loved each other. she just came up to me with her innocence. her beautiful big eyes stared up at me as she whispered the so simple words. the simple words that suddenly brightened my day and made everything better.

"let's eat some cereal together."

normal

i stared at the sunlight coming in from the window and i couldn't help but think:

what's it like to feel normal?

i'd forgotten; it didn't seem like that long ago. but i suppose it was. i suppose it was awhile ago when there wasn't a knot in my stomach. i suppose it was awhile ago when i felt fine about everything. i suppose it was awhile ago when i felt happy. i suppose it was awhile ago when i felt like everything was just perfect, ordinary...

normal.

i thought about lying down on the floor. i thought about staring up and out of the window, the sunlight laying on me and basking me in its glory. i thought about how that might make me feel. i thought. and i thought that maybe, just maybe, in that one moment, in that moment of ecstasy as the sun bathed me in a golden glow, the knot might slip away and everything would suddenly feel beautifully normal.

that's when i turned.

and walked away.

+i'm normal now+

+are you going to lie, or walk away?+

+make a choice+

lovely days are coming soon,

anna

|| be still, beating heart.

+loving+

loving

pinning like crazy

being mentioned on this amazingly awesome blog <3

my friends

the reactions to this

mandisa's new song

going to church and being with other Christians <3

volleyball

having some free time to work on designs for my own blogs

rose colors

you guys <3 (always)

living

what are you loving?

if you're not loving anything at the moment, slow down, breath deep, go for a walk, and realize the beauty that's all around you right at your fingertips that we often look over and forget. there's beauty everywhere. just remember that.

look around with eyes open wide,

anna

i have this thing

i have this thing. every time i do something bad that sometimes is out of my control to fix, something that's rather really bad, i get this feeling. like i'm going to puke. like i can't live with that thought. i hate this feeling. it sneaks up on me. it attacks me most when i don't even mean to do something. that's when it hits. when i don't mean to do something bad, but i do, and it's bad, and people talk about it. and i just want to sit in a hole and cry.

sometimes, this can be good. it makes me see things that are bad and it makes me change. but i think that part of it is bad. instead of changing and moving on, it forces me to stay stuck in that horrible moment, running myself into the ground. that's not good. that's not what God wants for me. He has great things for me. i wasn't meant to drive myself into the ground. that's when We have to fight. that's when God helps me, and i push through that feeling. that's when i sing songs and recite verses to get that feeling away. and suddenly i feel... free. i realize that, yes, i mess up, but God forgives me. i don't have to hide. i don't have to puke. i don't have to feel like the worst person on earth. God loves me. He knows that i make mistakes. but He will still love me, whatever happens.

+you might do something bad, but don't worry, it's not the end+

+God loves you forever+

+God's always there+

loving,

anna

i can't be anybody else

i can't be anybody else

nobody else but me

i can't be you

i can't be her

i can't be anybody

anybody else

other then me

i can try

i can strive

but guess what?

it's just not

going to work

i try

but i fail

every

single

time

and you know?

because i'm

not

them

i'm me

uniquely

amazing

me

people might say

that i'm horrible

people might say

that i'm amazing

but that doesn't mean

that i should

try

to be someone

else

just because

there's something

that everybody

loves

about them

just because

people that you care about

and are friends with

like somebody else

doesn't mean

that they don't

like you

doesn't mean

that you have to

suddenly

be like them

be yourself

if they don't like you

that's their problem

that doesn't

mean

that you go off

and be

mean

rude

horrible

selfish

but to some extent

you just need

to be

purely

yourself

i can't be anybody else

so i'm to be myself <3

i'm going to miss you

i'm going to miss you. yes, i'm going awhile for awhile. don't worry, there's some posts that have been planned out, so that you'll still hear from me, about once a week, i believe. i'm taking a little break. focusing more on some things that i tend to neglect. getting some really good time in with people that i care about. trying to get some things sorted out in my life. you know. all the usual things that could tear a person away from their lovely friends on blogger.

i'll miss you guys. i promise, if i don't die, or something out of the ordinary, that i'll start posting again in october. but don't worry, dear heart. posts will be coming. just scheduled. oh, how sad that sounds. you won't be really speaking to me now, but speaking to a person who scrambled together posts for a whole month and more in one whole day. but that's alright, right?

+i'll miss you+

+hope you miss me+

+hopefully see you soon+

live a lovely life for the One,

anna

let's blow some magic

let's blow some magic

let's take some

and put it in our hands

and blow a little air

and watch them swirl

to the ground

like a thousand

happy thoughts

and wishes

let's blow some magic

blow it all around

let it fall on people

make them smile

make them laugh

make them remember

their dreams

their wishes

the things

that they tried

to forget

but that they really

needed to remember

let's blow some magic

let's let it fly

let's let it reach

and touch the sky

let's let it fall

back down on us

let's hope that with a smile

it'll help remind us

of our dreams

of our wishes

of the things

we tried to forget

but that we really

needed to remember

let's blow some magic

*blow*

see the magic fly

i want to be me

i want to fly. i want to soar. i want to paint the sky. i want to inspire. i want to smile. i want to laugh. i want to be free. i want to be brave. i want to be a hero. i want to be courageous. i want to love. i want to cry. i want to run. i want to be an adventurer. i want to try new things. i want to go to new places. i want to live for the One who created me. i want to give up the things that i need to, but have been holding onto. i want to give. i want to flee. i want to sob. i want to fly, fly, fly away, up into the sky, away from my troubles and worries.

i want to be me.

i sometimes... i sometimes feel like i'm on show. like i can't be myself around people. like i have to work so so so hard just to get them to like me. i can't even be a fraction of myself. if i could just be myself, i would probably be what i'm striving for. but i have to try so hard. i don't want to lose them. i don't want them to go away. i'm afraid that if i lose them, i'll be all alone. i don't want to be the outsider. i don't want to be the person that nobody talks to. i don't want to have to work at this. i just want to be myself.

i want a best friend.

i have amazing friends, some of the coolest and most amazing people you could ever meet. but i know something. they have other friends. they have best friends. we're good friends, but not best friends. we can act like best friends, but we aren't. i want a best friend. i want one. i've got myself so worked up trying to look for one. i should've just trusted God from the start. i still don't have one, but i'm willing to wait. i'm willing to live my life without even finding one. meanwhile, i will enjoy my amazing most incredible friends ever that i do have.

+enjoy your friends+

+life, laugh love+

+best friend, i hope you're out there+

waiting,

anna

i always wonder if i could be brave enough

i always wonder if i could be brave enough. i always wonder if i would have enough courage to save someone; whether it was protecting them from a bully or risking my own neck to pull them from their dangling spot over the cliff back onto solid ground. i've always wondered what i would do in that moment. i wonder if i would have insane courage and just burst out and do it. i wonder if i would be too afraid and run away. i wonder if i would be scared sick and start crying. i wonder if i could, if i was needed, in that dire hour, to save someone. could i save them? would i save them? how would i save them? i want to have that courage. i'm scared. what if i don't have that courage? i don't have courage in other things. if i can't have enough courage to walk up to someone i don't know and introduce myself, how could i save someone from dying? i tell myself it's different. that if it really mattered, i'd pull through. but sometimes it scares me. does it scare you?

+trying to trust in God+

+hoping to have courage+

+praying it will come+

hoping,

anna