try again

i stared down at my hands, letting out a shaky breath. the words wouldn't leave me alone, repeating themselves over and over in my head.

"i'm sorry, you haven't been accepted. you're not good enough."

tears came to my eyes and rolled down my cheeks. what was i going to do now? this was all i'd ever known. this was all i was good at. there was no other future for me. my family was gone. i didn't have any friends. i had no place to go. this had been everything that my life had been. and now it was gone. there was no purpose. i was done.

forever.

my dream.... why did it have to be shattered? why did it have to all come tumbling down? i leaned heavily against the building, wishing that today had never happened. wishing that i could go back to that morning, when i had been so hopeful and happy. i wished i could just stay there, and not have to come back to the present--ever. this pain was too much to bear.

"you're hopeless. you'll never make a living out of this. face it--you stink."

i cringed at the thought of the words. why did this have to happen? why?

i turned and walked down the street, my hands in my pockets. i didn't stop until i reached the park on the edge of the bay. i gripped the railings so hard my knuckles turned white. the wind brushed my hair away from my face and dried my tears.

my life was over. there was nothing more here for me.

"no," i whispered. "NO!"

i stared up at the sky. clouds threatened to pour rain. i didn't care. i didn't care if anyone was watching me. i stared up at the sky.'

"God," i started, "you say in your word that you have a plan for me, not to harm me, but to give me a hope and a future. i thought this WAS my hope and my future. so what now? what do i do next? God, i need You. i need help."

that's when i felt it. the despair left me. and a new thought came.

that one person might have said i was worthless. they might have said that i wouldn't amount to anything. but that didn't mean i had to give up. i would practice harder. i would do better. i would come back, and i would do it--i would become a writer, just like i'd always been. and nobody was going to throw that dream away from me. it would be hard, yes, and it would hurt. it would be hard to have to start all over and write better, more beautifully. but i would try and try and try, and try again. i would try until there was another vision that i was given by God.

"i'm not giving up," i whispered. i glanced up at the sky and smiled. "thanks."

let them make you stronger

it's alright
their words
they aren't true
don't let them
break you down
let them make you
stronger

eight word story

fearful,

she

had

courage

and

became

a

legend

it has no power

too long i've let it have power

let it run my life

let it run me over

let it drive me to wit's end

let it ruin my days

but no longer

too long have i looked at others

and felt a pain

like i have to be

everything at they are

that i have to be

everything that everyone loves

but no longer

too long have i felt bad

and wished i were them

and wished that those people

had me up there

on that inspired pedestal

but no longer

i'm free

i don't have to be

anything that they are

people care

people make me smile

people make me life

leave me notes

say kind words

they don't care

so why should i?

i'm no one else

i'm just myself

and guess what?

that's the best person to be

that jealousy

it has no power

no longer

Dedicated to God, who helped me

And my friends, who helped me, too

thank you

thanks so much to everyone who's been praying or who's prayed for me before. thanks so much to everyone for their kind words. thanks so much to everyone for just being my friend. i would apologize for the last post, but i really.... you guys are my friends, you know? and i want to be able to tell my friends anything. (well, not quite everything. but at least get some help, you know?) this is a strange battle i'm fighting. most people will never have to fight it. but those prayers come as extra warriors and help me. and you know what?

i'm feeling better.

(seriously.)

i don't know if tomorrow i'm going to go into another guilt war or what, but right now? i'm doing good. God's helping me. my friends and family are helping me. you're helping me. and at this time, i'm trying to be positive; happy; bright.

yesterday, i was listening to the piano guys (i think it was) and i was blogging at the same time, and i just found myself humming along, happily. i found myself feeling free and a big smile came onto my face. that's what i want. i want to have happiness again. i felt like i haven't truly laughed for a decade or something. (don't worry, i have...) or felt happy. or free. but there was also someone (two or three someones, actually) who made me laugh. pretty hard. it was nice. :)

so just thanks.

God bless you guys.

you're all more amazing then you'll ever know,

anna

things i've done

"I am a terrible, terrible faun." "Oh, no, you're the nicest faun I've ever met." "Then I'm afraid you've had a very poor sampling." "Whatever you've done, I'm sure it's not that bad." "It's not something that I've done, Lucy Pevensie; it's something I'm doing." "What... what are you doing?" "I'm kidnapping you." ~Tumnus the Faun and Lucy Pevensie, The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe

but in my case, it is something i've done. things i've done. and sometimes it's hard to let go how horrible you've been; to accept that you can still live, just change. and i am changed. i am so different then i used to be. one thing i do know: i am much, much more sensitive to how i am towards other people. i suppose this could be a good thing, but sometimes it's not. sometimes it's like obsessive, and i feel like i'd rather just have it all over with and start with a clean slate already.

"i can't take this anymore. i just can't take this anymore!"

words help, more then anything. they're my swords that battle my confusing feelings that threaten to make me guilty for the rest of my life. God helps me the most, but He uses your words and others' to help me.... to help me stay.

please just pray for me. <3

some times are better then others, but then i'm attacked again...

bad memories

i'm the only one who's bringing it back, again and again. just go away, bad memories. why do you keep on haunting me? God, help me. push them away. i don't want them. that's not me anymore.

help.

Memory:(n.) something remembered from the past; a recollection.

i don't want to remember. 

should i do a linkup?

i was thinking... do you guys think i should do a linkup? i'm not sure. what would it be about? a pictures linkup? if you guys would want it, i would want to know if you guys would actually do it or not, because for me, linkups take a little bit.

tell me your thoughts. they're precious. <3

+thoughts+

+things+

+linkups+

take a little breath of fresh air,

anna

lost

Lost:(adj.) unable to find one's way; unable to be found.

Look up into the stars and get lost. 

"i'm coming, you ready?"

let's grab a cab

and go somewhere

the snow falling

on the windshield

as if bringing

memories of old

right to my doorstep

reminding me

of things i've done

things i'm planning

things i wanted to do

but didn't

but it's alright

it's okay

they're fading away

again

even the good ones

but that's okay

they're behind me

i'm going on an adventure

through the snow

in a cab

i've got great things

ahead of me

i don't think

about what's behind

i have a future

before me

and that's

all that matters

now

the past is gone

the future is before me

why live in the past

when we can't

change it?

why not

change

the future?

why not

make a difference

instead of wallowing

in the things

of the past?

that makes

much more sense

i think

as i sit

in the cab

the snow falling

with a smile

on my face

i'm not

going to think

of the things

of the past

with a dread

i'm going to look

to the things of the future

with a smile

and a little whisper

that says,

"i'm coming"

"you ready?"

broken

i was a broken person. i had aged. i no longer felt like myself. i had flown away to some great heights, leaving me here to deal with everything dragging me down, deeper and deeper. i was in the rain, and i could not feel the water. i was in the rain, and all i heard was the storm.

i was no longer free. someone had chained me. they could not be broken. i was in despair. i cried out in pain, wanting to get away, but i could not. i was stuck here forever, i realized. i would never escape. my life was forever misery.

Broken:(adj.) having been fractured or damaged and no longer in one piece or in working order; rejected, defeated, or despairing.

 +i was broken, but not anymore+

the One reached down and picked me up, assembled me into someone new and different then before. am i stronger? i think so. time will tell. i am no longer broken.

gratitude

Gratitude: Take nothing for granted. Even a rock will eventually surrender to the sea and love can slip away like sand through fingers. - Michael Faudet

 i live in a beautiful house on beautiful land and have a beautiful family and beautiful friends.

discontent comes, and sometimes i wonder. it's so silly.

don't take anything for granted.

nostalgia

Nostalgia:(n.) a sentimental yearning for the happiness of a former place or time.

 I want to go back.

But I can't, ever.

pathways + choices + ways to go

i lay back

in the sunlight

basking in the glow

smiling up

at the sky

so big and blue

so full of possibilities

i smile

and know

that there

are a thousand pathways

a thousand choices

a thousand ways to go

and all i had to do

was go

there are so many decisions in life. i always get scared about which way to go. i suppose i shouldn't freak out so much. there's One who's watching out for me. i should, instead, see it as an adventure. there's so many places to go.

where do you want to go?

+trust+

+don't be afraid+

+choices to make+

trusting,

anna