Wednesday, September 11, 2013

i have this thing

i have this thing. every time i do something bad that sometimes is out of my control to fix, something that's rather really bad, i get this feeling. like i'm going to puke. like i can't live with that thought. i hate this feeling. it sneaks up on me. it attacks me most when i don't even mean to do something. that's when it hits. when i don't mean to do something bad, but i do, and it's bad, and people talk about it. and i just want to sit in a hole and cry.

sometimes, this can be good. it makes me see things that are bad and it makes me change. but i think that part of it is bad. instead of changing and moving on, it forces me to stay stuck in that horrible moment, running myself into the ground. that's not good. that's not what God wants for me. He has great things for me. i wasn't meant to drive myself into the ground. that's when We have to fight. that's when God helps me, and i push through that feeling. that's when i sing songs and recite verses to get that feeling away. and suddenly i feel... free. i realize that, yes, i mess up, but God forgives me. i don't have to hide. i don't have to puke. i don't have to feel like the worst person on earth. God loves me. He knows that i make mistakes. but He will still love me, whatever happens.

+you might do something bad, but don't worry, it's not the end+
+God loves you forever+
+God's always there+



  1. Hey anna:) I've been meaning to comment on your posts, because I feel like you are sharing your heart and I want to share my heart also.

    On your post about depression: I personally never had to deal with it. Yet. But I have other problems, because I am a broken person. Self hate, self blame, anger, fear, anxiety, stress.

    You and I share a problem. Fear. I have spent days and weeks feeling sick to my stomach over something I couldn't control. Up until this year. With the help of my parents and God, I have been over coming my fear.
    The one thing that really really made me see that I changed was the Boston Marathon bombing. A year ago, I would have cried all day, feared that it would happen to me and my family, I would have been to scared to leave my house and to afraid to stay alone.
    But I didn't. I did cry, but because of the sadness in me not my fear. I don't fear that my family and I might get killed by a bomb. God is in control and I have no reason to fear that nothing will happen without his will. I'm not scared to leave my house. I'm not afraid to stay. Because God will not allow anything to happen to me without his okay. If my God is for me, who will stand against me?
    I have made mistakes that I regret. And yeah, I was scared. I felt horrible. But it happens to teach me a lesson. God allowed it, so why would I spend days hating myself over my mistake? There is always a second chance.

    Wow this ended up WAY longer than I was planning!

    1. I know that feeling so well; fear. I hate it so much. You're so right. Thanks for commenting, Maddie:) <3

  2. Wow. This post just really touched me! It's like you went into my mind and then just wrote this down. Like no joke, this is exactly how I've been feeling. I get this terrible knot in my stomach that just won't go away when I do something completely stupid, something I'll regret forever! I thought I was the only one who felt this way but its good to know that I am not alone. Thank you so much for posting such personal "real" life posts Anna! I think it means more to us girls then u know =) it makes us feel like we are not the only ones struggling with things. Your posts are just always so beautiful and honest! Luv u girl!

    1. Oh my goodness, you feel this too? I thought I was the only one. Wow. Thanks so much for telling me this, Britt. I thought I was the only person who suffered this way. Thank you so much. <3 You are sooo sweet. <3


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